How did I get here? How did someone acutely self aware.  And (I like to think) emotionally intelligent allow herself to get to this point.

The funny thing is, I have been lower than this recently. I have sat staring at walls, unable to read a book or watch a Netflix box set. My jaw has been clenched tight to stop me having to admit to the immense expanse of loneliness. I have felt lost and dizzy. Anxiety waking me in the middle of the night, unable to breathe.

But, I kept going.

I went to work. I parented (not well). I tried to friend but did so badly, taking more than I have given.

But, I kept going.

And, going.

Too afraid to cry in case I didn’t stop. Needing love but feeling unlovable.

And oh so lonely.

Wanting a hand to hold, but keeping mine in my pockets.

I didn’t realise how bad things had got until they started to get better.

A Friday night dancing, laughing, relaxing. Relaxed, not anxious, afraid or trying too hard. A glimpse of me.

And then I could see how badly I was coping. Only when I lifted my gaze could I see the impact I was having on the things around me: my child, my friendships; my life; my work.

Now, I have time to repair and restore.

Most importantly though I have time to put back the things I love that I let go of and to build a sustainable life or rather a life that sustains me. And that for me involves coaching, giving AND receiving.